The other day, I was having a reminisce, and chuckling to myself about some of the stuff I used to think when I was a kid…

Your little human brain just tries to figure everything out, but most of the time, you’re just so wrong.

So, without further ado, here’s some stuff I used to think, when I was a kid.

I should just preface by saying that Dad is responsible for the first 2 of these, and so I am therefore not to blame.

1: The Longleg Family

Every year, around September to October time, the house would be invaded by daddy longlegs. I’d be all, “There’s a daddy longlegs on the curtains!” And then dad would come along, peer at it carefully and go, “Umm… No. That one is smaller, so it must be a Mummy longlegs.” And so, for quite some time afterwards, I believed that there were Daddy and Mummy longlegs, which you could tell apart by their size. And I distinctly remember checking with Dad for clarification as to whether I was looking at a Daddy or a Mummy, AND he’d look at them, really seriously each time! He’s such a liar!

2: Leicester and Liecester

One day, I was in the car with Dad, heading towards Leicester. We’re just chatting about this and that, when he suddenly goes, “You know? Isn’t it really silly to have two towns so close to each other, with such similar names?”

I say, “What do you mean?”

HE goes, “Well, there’s Leicester, and right next to it is Liecester! Isn’t that so silly?!”

I’m like, “Yeah! That’s so silly! Why would they do that?!”

There is no Liecester. He spontaneously made it up.

3: “Why does Mum have a box of needles in her wardrobe?”

I must have been a nosy child. I don’t know, I was probably looking for birthday presents or something…

One day, I was looking in Mum’s half of the wardrobe when, in a drawer, I found a box of what I now know to be tampons. My small child brain was not familiar with this, so I somehow came to the conclusion that these cylindrical objects, wrapped in paper, must be syringes for giving injections…? And so, for some years afterwards, whenever I’d go in the wardrobe for something, I’d be like, “Oh, there’s Mum’s needles.” Never once did I feel compelled to question WHY there was a box of wrapped syringes in the cupboard.

 4: Birth control

Every morning, at breakfast, Mum would take a birth control pill. She was very honest and did always say when I asked “It’s to stop me having a baby”. Now, small child brain took this information in, and made the leap that this small pill was absolutely vital, and that if she didn’t take it, literally within MINUTES, a fully formed baby would spontaneous appear out of her.

It was like, “Phew! Imminent baby arrival averted just in time! Until tomorrow…”

And yet, I did know how babies came to be (I had a surprisingly graphic book)… My child brain just never made the leap.

5: Cardi-akarrest

I’m going to blame Dad again for this one, for poor enunciation.

If something surprising/silly/shocking happened, Dad would clutch his chest and go “Help! Help! I’m having a cardiac arrest!” (I think he’s quoting Monty Python).

Now, my kid brain had no concept of what a cardiac arrest might be… Neither of the two words meant anything to me. So I just put the word back together in a way that made some sort of sense to me. In this instance, I knew the word “cardi” as in something you wear… The rest of it I had no idea about. Other than, perhaps, some sort of chest pain, based on the actions from Dad I’d seen.

For YEARS, until I learnt at school what the word “cardiac” meant, did my neurons fire and I realised that the word for heart stoppage is not cardi-akarrest, but cardiac arrest. EVEN NOW, this is a phrase I still have to mentally check with myself before I say it, as my first inclination is to think cardi-akarrest.

6: Sun tans

I thought I could get a sun tan by taking my top off and laying in front of the gas fire. ‘nuff said.

7: German measles

When I was little, I remember hearing about the illness german measles. I was quite content with that, until I got to the age of about 10, and suddenly realised, “D’oh! I’m so silly! OF COURSE it’s not german measles! Why would you get measles from Germans!? It must be Germ AND measles!”

I thought for quite some years, that I had just misheard Germ And Measles and always had a little internal chuckle to myself at my childish silliness…

Until I found out that it is, in fact, German measles, and 5 year old me had more brain than 10 year old me.

8: “Family”

My parents both have(had ;)) dark hair and blue eyes… So, when I was really little, I understood that the 4 of us were “family” and “family”, to me anyway, meant coming out of your mum’s tummy, making you related by blood. I didn’t understand that mum and dad weren’t blood relatives and had chosen each other…? That didn’t make sense. So kid-brain came to the conclusion that because they had similar colouring, they must be brother and sister to each other. Just a lot older than me and MY sister… How very weird and incest-y.